Face Detective

Maternity Uncertainty

2012-02-13T10:23:00.006-05:00

I am definitely one of those conspiracy theorists who believe Beyonce was never really pregnant. And the fact that lil Blue IvyTM is twinsies with Benjamin Button star, Taraji P. Henson, is not helping my suspicions one bit. And while we're on the subject of T-P-H, what the dang was she doing embracing and kiss-kissing Chris Brown at the Grammys?! Just hand the trophy over to him like any self-respecting woman who doesn't love women-beaters would do. Sheesh, Taraji! Sheesh.

On a side note, don't think I haven't already suspected Blu Cantrell of being Blue Ivy's mother too. It would be just like Beyonce to throw everyone off the trail by naming the baby after the early 2000s one-hit-wonder. Then Beyonce could be all (eye rolls): "Yeah, I named my baby, Blue, after Blu Cantrell because she's the real mother. Bitch, please." Bitch please, indeed.

Home Alone: 31

2012-02-10T15:26:00.005-05:00

Ever wonder what Willem Dafoe and Denis Leary's baby would look like? Well stop wondering, 'cause it'd look exactly like Macaulay Culkin! For a better pic of what the Home Alone actor looks like as of yesterday, click here.

All twinships aside, I hope Macaulay isn't seriously ill. No one should look that old at 31. Perhaps maybe he caught Child-star-itus (a rare ageing ailment) from Lindsay Lohan. Orrrr, he's starring in a body switcheroo movie with Peter O'Toole, and this is just a picture of Peter O'Toole in young person's makeup.

Song Detective

2012-02-03T16:04:00.007-05:00

Madonna may not look exactly like Dragonette, but she sure sounds like them . Madge's new single: "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and "Big in Japan" are totally song twins. They're both produced by Martin Solveig (who also did "Hello" by Dragonette). Perhaps this is why Madonna was so gracious re: Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" being an "Express Yourself" copychat (although I maintain that it sounds more like TLC's "Waterfalls"). And as pointed out by my friend, Nathaniel Droogrunnair, they all sound like rip-offs of Fatboy Slim's version of "Brimful of Asha"! ALSO, Madonna is Title Twins with ZZ Top's "Gimme All Your Lovin'".

Anyway, Martin Solveig is kinda twins with Take That's Mark Owen. I said kinda. Also, there is a heavy sprinkling of hot dad from Medium and dare I say it, Dana Carvey.

Twin SAG

2012-01-30T12:06:00.005-05:00

O-M-God! Katrina Bowden and Julianna Margulies totally wore the same dress last night... almost. Hot Cerie from 30 Rock's dress is from American Bridal manufacturer, Amsale, and The Good Wife star's dress is from Calvin Klein. Speaking of marriages... Katrina, 23, (child bride alert!) just got engaged and apparently she's going to wear a different wedding dress every day until she ties the knot.

Phantom of the Bacon

2012-01-26T15:59:00.005-05:00

It's the 24th anniversary of the Broadway musical Phantom of the Opera. To very much brag, my Grade A Grade 4 production of the musical (where I filled the Phantom's mask with my very own face!) debuted in the Spring of 1987 beating Broadway by about 8 months. Anyway, here's a picture of me in my costume... oh wait, my parents never bothered to document this pivotal moment in my life. Luckily we have the whole thing on video... oh wait, that was recorded over to capture the umpteenth footsteps of a late-in-life, "miracle" baby. Thanks a lot, Amy.

Here's Kevin Bacon looking like the Phantom in the 1925 movie.

Steve Buscemi Shrugged

2012-01-16T20:14:00.002-05:00

Are Steve Buscemi and Ayn Rand the same person? It sure looks that way.

Unjust Face Rage

2011-12-22T10:48:00.005-05:00

Until I watched the What to Expect When You're Expecting trailer (no judgement), I thought Joe Manganiello and Rodrigo Santoro were the same person. But I was wrong and I've been placing undue Paulo from Lost resentment on Joe for years now. Turns out the only thing these guys have in common (besides good looks, acting vocation and starring in the same movie) is that I'd kick neither of them out of my bed. Am I right ladies? GIRL POWER CHEST BUMP.

Gleeful Renaissance

2011-12-15T13:30:00.003-05:00

There's a great thing on Tumblr dedicated to Ugly Renaissance babies and let me tell you, the babies aren't the only ugly people in the paintings. Doesn't this lady look like Brittany from Glee? Who is not ugly, but does have a weird eye thing going on. She's also the only good thing about that show. Bop buh dop ba dop, bubba-dubba-da-BOP!

The Devil's Double

2011-11-21T08:37:00.005-05:00

I saw this George W. Bush twin in a restaurant last year. I nearly approached him to say he should definitely consider a job as an impersonator, but then I realized that all my Face Detective badges were at home and as if a civilian would simply take a tipsy woman at her word. Anyway Mister, if you're out there, consider yourself considered.

"Are Drew Barrymore and J-Simp Dating the Same Guy?"

2011-11-07T11:29:00.005-05:00

Is what Star Magazine would ask on their cover and then answer "no" in their shockingly long article detailing how much the two dudes look like each other. Also, there'd be an awesome no-fault asterisk stating: "Please note, this Face Detective has treated neither couple".

59th Street Bridge Over Troubled Water

2011-11-02T08:47:00.002-04:00

My amazing friend, Amy, went as slutty Simon & Garfunkel for Halloween. Behold!

Gwyneth Twynneth

2011-10-29T11:46:00.007-04:00

I know, I know - it's technically cheating to say that mothers and daughters are twins, but I was looking for shots of Blythe Danner/Ruth Madoff (see below) and stumbled across this pic that is so twinsie with Gwyneth, it'd be a crime not to post. A crime. A Bernie Madoff crime.

Bromancing with the Stars

2011-10-11T15:19:00.005-04:00

I tuned in to Dancing with the Stars last night for the first time. And I gotta say, Carson Kressley's fake pirate beard made me laugh pretty hard. I was also struck by how much J.R. Martinez looks like Joey Lawrence. Yeah, yeah, I know one of them risked life and limb to protect his country in Iraq and one of them is famous for wearing plaid (guess which one is which!) but they both appeared on DWTS and they're both twinsies. There. I said it.

Carrot Barbie Amputee Foot Operation

2011-10-06T13:16:00.005-04:00

I was at my sister's cottage and I found a carrot that looked exactly like a Barbie leg. Too bad you can't photoshop feet onto people in real life because then we wouldn't need orthopedic surgeons. Those self-important, God-complexing, dickheads. Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks to my niece, Olivia, for providing the Barbie. And thanks to my sister, Claire, for providing the carrot.

Mock Trial with J. Reinhold & Rick S.

2011-09-23T10:49:00.007-04:00

Professional dufus/Republican candidate, Rick Santorum, and adorable 80s actor Judge Reinhold are totally twinsies. Sorry Judge Reinhold.

Always a Bridesmaid

2011-09-19T10:48:00.006-04:00

So, Melissa McCarthy won an Emmy last night for being really funny in Bridesmaids. Also, she looks a lot like Ricky Gervais. BTW, when are people going to stop taking jabs at him?* Jane Lynch should be shot with a ~~slushy~~ gun for her MEGA LAME line about the Golden Globes' host: "Poor little Ricky Gervais. Someone didn't get enough hugs from mommy and somehow it's Hollywood's fault." Zung. Also, isn't childhood neglect the reason why everyone gets into acting? Or is that just porn?

*For the record, I thought Ricky's Golden Globe's performance was mostly unfunny but the "payback" retorts that Hollywood keeps throwing his way are criminally unfunny.

TIFF Twins: Ezra Miller and Meg Tilly

2011-09-05T15:59:00.005-04:00

Adorable indie actor, Ezra Miller, is coming to TIFF to promote his depressing, Columbine-y movie We Need to Talk about Kevin. Firstly, let me just say that genetically speaking it is preposterous to have John C. Reilly play his onscreen father (John C. Reilly as dad to a Cabbage Patch Kid? Now that, I see). Secondly, if you see Ezra walking around Toronto, don't ask him for Meg Tilly's autograph. Just don't.

TIFF Twins!: Werner Herzog

2011-09-03T10:08:00.005-04:00

Ze Germans are coming! Ze Germans are coming! Well, at least one famous German, Werner Herzog, is debuting his documentary about the perpetrators of a triple homicide in Texas and their death row fate at the Toronto Film Festival. WH looks like a diabolical Gene Hackman with a lot of Eddie Vedder (who is bringing Pearl Jam 20 docu to TIFF).

Republican Frontrunners: Ron Paul Edition

2011-08-16T11:11:00.007-04:00

Ron Paul is one of the Republican Presidential candidate frontrunners, he's also twins with Sir Ian McKellen (known to uber-nerds as Gandalf and regular nerds as Magneto). He's also one of those people whose names you have to say in full. Try saying "Ron" without saying "Paul". Go on, try it.

Ron Paul is all about small government yada, yada, yada, but he's also about ending the ludicrous spending on multiple wars and can actually answer questions intelligently. Ron Paul is my favourite Repub because he looks like a nice grandfather as opposed to an 80s date rapist (Rick Perry) and a robot that spells her name dumbly (Michele Bachman). Last night, Jon Stewart did a really funny bit on why Fox News ignores Ron Paul which you can watch here.

Timberrrrrrr

2011-08-12T12:29:00.006-04:00

At first glance, I totally thought the dude on the left was Justin Timberlake in costume. Upon second glance, I realized it wasn't JT. But I dutifully dragged and dropped the pic to my desktop and now I completely forget where I got the image from. Does anyone know who this Afroed Man is? A Gumshoe position to the first correct guesser!

Case Closed! Thanks to Gumshoe Ali (née Ali) for figuring out that Mystery Man's name is Redfoo from the band LMFAO who sing Party Rock Anthem. And p.s. Redfoo, you were born in 1975 and should know better than to name your band after an internet acronym!

BTW, I'm really digging Lainey's dissing of J-Timber. Give it a read here.

Things are Looking Up for Karl Lagerfeld

2011-08-03T15:05:00.006-04:00

No wonder Karl Lagerfeld never takes his sunglasses off. He's twins with the old man from Up! Now, if I only knew had to draw a fan...

Casey Anthony Immortalized

2011-08-03T11:23:00.004-04:00

Casey Anthony is prowling around Ohio in a pretty crappy disguise. But more importantly, her portrait* twin is Michelle Dessler from 24. Now that's a security breach.

*Pancake artist, Dan Lacey, is responsible for the flattering painting.

Sheen On You Crazy Diamond

2011-08-02T12:29:00.004-04:00

Awww. Look how cute and innocent Charlie Sheen used to be. And look how cute and innocent his son, Bob, currently is. "Not for long!" cackled Heidi Fleiss. Heidi Marie Fleiss, he's only two years old!

That's so Raven/Nicole

2011-08-01T12:21:00.000-04:00

Raven Symone is the cute kid from The Cosby Show (not you, Rudy). She's also the sassiest Disney actress this side of Miley Cyrus and a graduate of the Jackee Harry School of Overreaction. Raven recently shed some serious feathers and went from this to this. And now she kinda looks a lot like Nicole Richie who kinda looks a lot like a bird. So Raven, congratulations, you finally live up to your avian namesake! Tweet-tweet.

I'm Gonna Butt-Smurf the Smurf outta this Party!

2011-07-29T15:45:00.006-04:00

The Smurf movie is opening this weekend! And it looks so God awful. Anyhow, a friend pointed out that Hank Azaria's Gargamel looks a lot like Dudley Moore. Can you believe Dudley Moore died 9 years ago? I don't think about DM often, but I definitely thought he died like last year or something. Oh well. Good thing I'm not a Death Detective.

BtheW, Hank Azaria, you are such a greedy son of a bitch. How dare you do this movie! Aren't your Simpson Millions enough? I could forgive your brief marriage to Helen Hunt but I cannot forgive this live action Smurf movie.

You Better Photoshop Around

2011-07-28T12:05:00.004-04:00

Patti LuPone is the mom from Life Goes On and a celebrated Broadway actress. She's also not exactly a stranger to Face Detective (although this post is a little more flattering). She's also, also twins with Tina Fey on the cover of InStyle. Tina Fey is also body twins with a 96 LB waif on the cover of InStyle. (FIST SHAKING) Photoshop!

Harrison Ford's Got a New Day Job...

2011-07-21T13:52:00.005-04:00

And it's cycling around Vancouver with Matt Damon's family.

Matt Damon (who doesn't look anything like himself in this pic) and family are in BC shooting Elysium. They're also in town to show off how cool they are with their fancy Harrison Ford look-a-like body guard.

Jennifer Aniston's Got a New Day Job...

2011-07-19T10:53:00.005-04:00

And it's babysitting Brad Pitt's kids! Seriously guys, I can't believe Aniston hired a look-a-like to menacingly shadow all of Angelina's shopping trips.

Angie, Zahara and Shiloh went to Ozzie Dots yesterday in L.A. (when are these kids not in toy stores?). Here's a great snap of Z sassing it up for the cameras and Shiloh modestly looking on wishing her mother didn't dress her like a middle-aged tourist.

Your move, Mr. Lautner

2011-07-18T12:55:00.005-04:00

A friend pointed out the hilarious twinship of ~~G-Star~~ Wanted Poster model/World Chess Champion, Magnus Carlsen and World Werewolf Champion, Taylor Lautner (especially if you use the Apple Photobooth "Bulge" effect on T-Laut's face).

If you haven't already, please check out the trailer for Abduction. My favourite part comes in around the 0.37 mark: "Why would my picture... end up on a missing person's website?" His inTONation is priceless. And BTW, I'm no big city Face Detective, but the adult picture of him doesn't actually look like him.

Undebateable

2011-07-13T15:57:00.004-04:00

Last month, I went to the Munk Debates where famed war criminal, Henry Kissinger, and famed hunky historian, Niall Ferguson, duked it out over China's future. What I came away from that debate thinking was... man alive, Niall Ferguson is a fox! That accent, those jokes, the two families he has... oooooohwee. Anyway, Niall (who is so sexy I'm willing to overlook the crap spelling of his first name) looks a lot like Canadian actor, Henry Czerny. Enjoy!

Paternity Impossible!

2011-06-24T11:39:00.006-04:00

Is it just me, or does Benjamin Travolta look shockingly similar to Jeremy Renner (the new Mission Impossible dude)? Kelly Preston! What you doing with another suspected gay man? And when I say John Travolta is "suspected gay", I mean he is definitely, 100% undeniably homosexual. Renner's sexuality is another story (more specifically a National Enquirer story).

Speaking of Renner, I'm watching The Unusuals on Netflix and it's a great show. Too bad it only got ten episodes before cancellation. Thankfully NCIS: Los Angeles is still on.

Rachel Mc-Uhoh

2011-05-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

It pains me to post this look-a-like. It really does. Especially since I think Rachel McAdams is exquisitely beautiful (and I've seen her in the flesh - in supermarket lighting!). But the picture doesn't lie. She's kinda twins with Kate Gosselin.

Rachel is in Cannes with her BF, Michael Sheen, promoting their new Woody Allen film, Midnight in Paris. And thankfully, Michael Sheen's changed his hair from this to this.

Winter's Boner

2011-05-09T20:50:00.004-04:00

There is no denying up-and-comer, Jennifer Lawrence, looked super hot at the Oscars but there's a Renee Zelwegglian quality about her face and she's only 20. This does not detract from my excitement over X-Men: First Class or upset my happiness re: her casting as Catniss in The Hunger Games (coincidentally, hunger games is also something Renee Zelwegger dabbles in... zing!).

Wedding Royale

2011-05-01T22:39:00.004-04:00

I'm currently going through PRWD (post royal wedding depression). Prince Harry's GF, Chelsy Davy, is a very good looking girl, but she kept that a well kept secret in that common monstrosity she wore to the wedding. So, instead of chatting about Pippa Middleton's bum, here's a pic of Chelsy looking like smoking hot model, Rachel Hunter.

Gwynnie Get Your Gizzard*!

2011-04-13T12:26:00.005-04:00

O, M to the G! And this time that 'G' stands for 'Gwyenth'. As in: "Good God, Gwyneth - whose got your gizzard?" Why would anyone want to make their long, luxurious neck disappear? Is this one of Gwyneth's ploys to convince Middle America that she's just like them? Look Ma, no neck! Also, why would anyone want to look like their celebrity trainer, Tracy Anderson?

*I've been operating under the assumption that "gizzard" means "neck" for a very long time. It doesn't. Oh well.

New Troll Dolls

2011-03-10T18:20:00.006-05:00

OMFG! Look at the new Troll dolls! Just look at them. They're Slutz!!!!! This might be a hoax, but who would go to the trouble of moulding five sexy girl dolls? Gargamel you say? Good point. But who, besides Gargamel, would do this? I am seriously alarmed. I pity the 8 year old girls who worry they aren't as sexy as a troll.

In case you're wondering how you can make your very own Smurfette, Gargamel's recipe is right there on wikipedia for everyone to see : "She was magically created from blue clay, sugar and spice but nothing nice, crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, a chatter of a magpie, and the hardest stone for her heart". Good luck, Lars.

Geek Chic Week

2011-03-07T14:17:00.006-05:00

Remember Arvid Engen from Head of the Class? He was the perfect nerd. Not like these new fangled mean nerds, (SNEEZE), Mark Zuckerberg. Well it turns out Arvin looks like fellow nerd, Pierre Omidyar (the dude who started eBay).

Remember when Head of the Class went to NASA camp and Arvid spotted a mistake in their take-off simulator and fat Dennis claimed he found the error? Dennis was mean. But he's having the last laugh because the actor who played Dennis, Dan Schneider, moved onto create a ton of uber-successful tween shows like Kenan and Kal, iCarly, Victorious, and Zoey 101 . Which also kinda makes him responsible for creating Jamie Lynn Spears' baby (who, BTW, is super cute and already two years old - check her out here).

Mystery Superwoman

2011-03-03T14:57:00.004-05:00

When I first saw pictures of Ryan Reynolds new mystery woman, I was all - "there's no mystery here, that be Michelle Williams with a tan!". But upon closer inspection, it's not Michelle Williams but it sure does look like her. Take that Scarlett Johannsson and your gross new romance with Sean Penn.

It takes Two to Tahan

2011-03-02T00:21:00.000-05:00

The Tahan bro and sis are fast becoming the next Siblings Fanning. The boy, Charlie, was in Charlie St. Cloud and looks exactly like perennial "lovable loser", Steve Zahn.

While the girl stars in Nurse Jackie and is twins with perennial "kooky best friend", Ginnifer Goodwin.

The Exact Same Material, Girl!

2011-02-28T12:30:00.004-05:00

Ay-ay-ay! First off, both dresses are sinfully hideous and unflattering but at least Sofia Vergara had the good sense to leave her scissors and fur gilet at home! Madonna is actually dressed in mutton! MUTTON!

Poor Unfortunate Souls

2011-02-27T21:46:00.006-05:00

Egad! There was some fierce competition on the red carpet for title of Ursula the horrible sea witch twin. We had Marisa Tomei, Armie "hubba hubba" Hammer's wife and putting the "Busy" in Busy Philips... Busy Philips!

Statuesque Twins

2011-02-27T13:47:00.007-05:00

Tonight's the Academy Awards! So instead of waiting six hours for the magic to start, let's unfold a little twin magic right now. On the left is the actor Peter Greene who always plays scum-of-the-earth drug lords. On the right is Academy Award nominated actor, Ralf Fiennes, who plays scum-of-the-earth Harry Potter arch-enemy, Lord Voldem**rt.

Justin Bieber's New Haircut is Making Me Sad

2011-02-22T15:54:00.005-05:00

I realize listening to a 30+ woman talk about her Bieber-lust is about as interesting as hearing Betty White make another sex joke (we get it, it's hilarious when over 80s say "hizzo") but I gotta say, I'm weeping over my beloved Justin's new do. To be clear, I am also mourning all of Justin's natural maturation. But this haircut is too much. He's morphing into that dude from The Vampire Diaries. And that guy looks like a handsome caveman.

Hooked on a Feeling

2011-02-18T12:16:00.000-05:00

Remember the kid from Hook? Well he remembers you! Actually, I'm sure that he doesn't.Charlie Korsmo had a pretty shining career as a child actor but he hung up his lil newsie cap to become a dunh-dunh-dunh, conservative, Yale-educated lawyer. He also became a Jeremy London look-a-like. Move over Jason London, your drug-addled, identical-twin brother has a new twin in town. Jealous?

Dark Crystals on the Pores of my Face

2011-02-17T12:27:00.007-05:00

What do you mean, (SIGH) "another Dark Crystal post? What is this, Dark Crystal Week?" Yeah, it is. It's Dark Crystal Week, okay? There I said it. God!

What happened to Paul Simon's face? I mean, I was never "ooh, it's Paul Simon, someone get an ice bucket for my loins" but now he looks like a mythical androgynous creature. He appears to have smoothed his face down with a sander and made his lips magically disappear (coincidentally one of the many talents possessed by mythical androgynous creatures. Also the ability to turn groin areas into plastic Ken doll parts and giving babies unisex names like Kelly). Somewhere out there, Art Garfunkel is rubbing his ginger hands together with glee. Finally, Art's the hot one!

Thanks to Lisa for helping me connect the face twin dots.

The Dark Crystal Meth

2011-02-13T22:01:00.006-05:00

I never actually saw the Jim Henson movie, The Dark Crystal, but I definitely pretended I'd seen it when the topic came up at school. Anyway, Gwyneth's famous personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, looks exactly like the girl from The Dark Crystal (with a touch of the Kristin Cavillari brush). Also, Gwyneth sang with some Henson puppets tonight at the Grammys, so Tracy's only 1 degree of separation away from her muppet twin!

Poor-ge Clooney

2011-02-12T23:11:00.002-05:00

The guy from The Sarah Silverman Show looks like a poor man's George Clooney. But that's still better than a no man's George Clooney. Am I right, ladies?

Hop til you Drop!

2011-01-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

A friend suggested I look into the similarities between Owen Wilson and Dennis Hopper in the movie Hoosiers. So I did some snooping and she's right. However, Dennis is definitely lacking the whole "cat who just ate the canary" mouth twitch that Owen sports.

This info was slipped to me about five days before Dennis Hopper died. So I'm really hoping my tipster isn't some sort of Look-a-Like-Death-Oracle, because that totally trumps a Face Detective.

All I Want for Christmas is Julian Assange's Haircut!

2010-12-20T15:08:00.009-05:00

Julian Assange has a hot new haircut. No longer satisfied with his Justin Bieber do, the silver fox has upgraded to a dashing Sean-Bean-International-Terrorist cut.

Anyway, when they make the Assange movie (Sexpionage: The Musical!), I really hope Ewan McGregor plays Julian (just from the nose down and after Ewan eats a few jam sandwiches).

Can't See the Forest for the Hopkins Trees

2010-12-18T18:11:00.002-05:00

So, Forest Whitacker's on a diet. Big whoop, you say? Well it is a big fucking deal because now he's twins with Josh Hopkins. Who's Josh Hopkins? He's only the star of Cougar Town (if you haven't watched the show, watch it, it's hilarious). He's also an alleged Jennifer Aniston dater. Oh, and most importantly, he's twins with Josh Hutcherson who just turned 18. Hot damn! Merry Christmas, me!

Maniac Man-blech

2010-11-28T18:16:00.007-05:00

I never cared for Peggy's hippy BF on Mad Men. But it wasn't til I identified him as Joe Flaherty's twin that I realized why I disliked him so much. Joe Flaherty starred in Maniac Mansion. I hate Maniac Mansion. A lot. Joe Flaherty also ruined Freaks and Geeks for me. And that's a really hard thing to do when a young James Franco's running around on screen.

Sean Lennon Take Two

2010-10-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

To continue Sean Lennon Week, John's youngest son looks like Canadian model Irina Lazareanu (one time dater of Kate Moss' ex, Pete Doherty). For the record, I like neither of these people's faces.

When Life Gives you Lemons, Make Lennon-ade!

2010-10-03T11:56:00.007-04:00

It's Sean Lennon week on Face Detective! Full disclosure, I've always had a little problem with Sean's smug mug and a very big problem with the way John Lennon's first son (Julian) was largely kept out of his father's fortune. First up, Sean's startling twinship with king of the douches, Jeremy Piven!

Turn that Frau Upside Down!

2010-09-15T15:37:00.000-04:00

I was looking for Johnny Weir twins (don't worry, they're coming) when I stumbled upon Frau Farbissina (Austin Powers) and her twinship with Amy Ryan. Amy played Det. "Hubba-Hubba" McNulty's GF on The Wire and Michael "Not-so-Hubba-Hubba" Scott's GF on The Office. To be clear, I think Ryan is an attractive woman but she has the exact same "I know something you don't know" smile as Frau.

Friday Night Rights!

2010-09-06T18:38:00.009-04:00

Friday Night Lights Season 4 is out and awesome. The new East Dillon QB, Vince Howard, is twins with Mariah Carey's husband, Nick Cannon (left). A fellow face detective pointed out that the difference between Howard and Cannon is that she'd totally do Howard and wouldn't touch Cannon with, well, a ten-foot canon. Vince Howard's real name is Michael B. Jordan (I wonder why he needs that 'B'), who also played Wallace on The Wire.

Brady Bunch

2010-07-29T18:37:00.001-04:00

My adorable nephew is twins with Tom Brady's kid, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Hopefully he'll be just as good at playing football and marrying supermodels as Tom Brady.

Chip what?! Chipwich!!!

2010-07-18T17:46:00.010-04:00

What the hell do I have to do to get a chipwich in this town? I scoured Toronto for them and they are nowhere to be found. Sure, there are imitations and sure I could make my own, but nothing tastes like the real thing. Single tear dripping down my face emoticon. Maybe they just don't sell them in Canada anymore. Just like my other favourite dessert - Sara Lee three-layer chocolate cake that had the most delicious light brown/pink icing. These are both products that made growing up seem okay because I knew one day I'd be able to eat as much as I wanted. And now that's ruined. Goodbye cruel world.

Update: So, Nestle bought Chipwich and then promptly discontinued the brand in favour of their own shit version. Fuck you, Nestle! FUCK YOU! Not only is your bottled water disgusting but now this? Congratulations, you are on the top of my shitlist. Betty White move on down to #2. Or rap on down to #2, or whatever cliched old person move you're peddling these days.

MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!: I was in Florida over New Years and tried one of these so-called fake chipwiches by Nestle and it was a total disappointment. See attached pic and please note the lack of chocolate chips around the ice cream part. FAIL! Also note the one bite I took.

Adam Brodymance

2010-07-11T14:58:00.011-04:00

There was a time when I was completely and utterly in love with Seth Cohen. So much so that even the theme song to the O.C. put me in a depression because I was old enough (read: "too old") to realize that I was never going to date this fictional character. Although I did see his real life counterpart, Adam Brody, at a film fest party last year. We locked eyes and then he quickly looked away. To me, his eyes said: "Holy crap, you look so much like my ex-GF Summer, I must look away lest I cry into my fedora." To Adam, his eyes said: "Oh shit, that girl's got crazy rabid fan eyes, I better look away before she begs me to sign her boobs." Anyhow, I stumbled across a picture of Paul Iacono and I'll be damned if he doesn't look exactly like a gay Seth Cohen* (well, gayer).

*With a dash of Samantha Ronson.

I don't think we're alone now!

2010-07-06T13:47:00.006-04:00

Ginger Twins Unite! Last week I read that 80s girl singers Tiffany and Debbie Gibson are starring in a horror movie about a gigantic snake (and no, the snake isn't played by New KidDonnie Wahlberg). Anyway, I was struck by how much Tiffany looks like Luke (Nolan Gould) from Modern Family. BTW - Tiffany does NOT look like this anymore. Now she looks like this!

Check out Tiffany's majorly enhanced bosom, less enhanced nose and all the unnecessary hosiery she's wearing. She's like an Elvira/Stripper Christmas tree with all that fishnet tinsel.

The Spin Ma'Sheen

2010-06-27T00:07:00.011-04:00

This weekend witnessed the tragic loss of an excellent blogger named Dave Weigel. He wrote about conservative politics for the Washington Post and, according to many reporters, did a bang up job of covering the movement objectively. Anyhow, he posted a remark re: encouraging Matt Drudge to set himself on fire and the rest is history. Sadly Drudge did not take this advice (he could have at least set fire to his stupid hat! On a side note - never trust a man who uses a hat as his calling card. Except for Magnum P.I. Always trust him.). Even sadlier, Weigel resigned. But enough about politics and more about the fact that Dave Weigel looks like Charlie Sheen and Matthew Broderick's love child. I mean, really, it's uncanny!

Nothin' But a G-20 Thang

2010-06-26T23:45:00.005-04:00

Ever wonder what a Fuck Face looks like? I used to think it looked like this guy, but I've changed my mind. This douche is one of many smug assholes who desecrated our dear city of Toronto. To see this ding-dong in his full glory, please click here. Notice the anti-capitalist brand of Calvin Klein underwear he's sporting. Anyhow, FF looks a lot like the loveable FF on Weeds, Andy Botwin (who has permission to desecrate me at any time).

Alfred Hitchcock Presents... A Cloud!

2010-06-21T12:55:00.005-04:00

I used to watch The NEW Alfred Hitchcock Presents when I was little. It wasn't as good as the original and the production budget smacked of Canadiana, but I watched it nonetheless. This cloud profile reminds me of the logo for that show.

Paternity Uncertainty

2010-06-17T13:06:00.005-04:00

Dear Chris Robinson,

This Father's Day is gonna sting a little. And not because your ex-wife, Kate Hudson, is running around with every Tom, Dick & Dick in town. But because this is the year you find out your beloved son, Ryder Russell Robinson, is actually Ed Norton's biological child. DNA be damned! The pictures don't lie!

p.s. Rest assured Chris, your beard is still your biological beard.

p.p.s. I'm also sorry you never got to see your ex-wife's new boob job.

Whoomp! There it is...

2010-06-15T10:28:00.005-04:00

Louder! Full disclosure, WTIS is one of my fave 90s songs and I often listen to it on repeat while working. Last week someone made the connection between the cell-phone wielding extra in the WTIS video and President Obama. I'm willing to take it one step further and say that James Carville (the Ragin' Cajun) also looks suspiciously like the extra. Is this a liberal conspiracy, or what?

Great Dame

2010-06-14T15:25:00.006-04:00

OMG Dudes! I for realsies thought that Pink was Dame Judi Dench in this pic. My apologies to the damest of Dames, the broadest of Broads, the judiest of Judis - Miss Dame Judi Dench (please pronounce this like Oprah. See here for instruction on how to do that).

BP OD

2010-06-06T13:13:00.007-04:00

Michael Sheen is an amazing actor and he's an even better impersonator. He's played Tony Blair (three times), David Frost, Wesley Snipes and soon his classically British looks will surely win him the part of BP President and earth-enemy, Tony Hayward. Now that's good casting.

Michael's dad is a Jack Nicholson impersonator. His accent is terrible (in fact, he sounds a lot like Ahhhhnold) but his looks are pretty spot-on. Check it out here. Also, Michael is Kate Beckinsale's baby daddy.

It's a Bird, it's a Plane, it's Bruce Jenner's New Face!

2010-05-27T17:00:00.007-04:00

First things first. Sorry Christopher Reeve for likening your post-accident face to Bruce Jenner's post-plastic face. One was the result of a a cruel twist of fate and one was shockingly deliberate.

Bruce Jenner first popped up on my radar in 1985 when he guest-starred on Silver Spoons. It was one of those very special episodes where Jenner outed himself as a dyslexic or something. Then in 1988, we met again, this time on my friend's Olympic-centric computer game (Bruce was the decathlete of champions). Since then, I am more familiar with his douchey-but-hot son, Brody, who regularly appears on The Hills.

Losties of a Lesser God

2010-05-18T11:19:00.007-04:00

It's getting down to the wire. Next Sunday it all ends. And by "all", I mean "happiness". All my happiness ends when Lost is over. So to celebrate the remaining 5 days of glee, here's a Lostie look-a-like. That power-nerd Zoe and her deaf counterpart, Marlee Matlin. Notice the dark versus light thing they got going on. I'm just sayin'... thee-eeeme!

Hopefully we'll get to see more of Zoe and Whitmore's merry band of mercenaries tonight. And unlike the rest of the nerdosphere, I highly enjoyed the Mother-MIB-Jacob episode, "Across the Sea". Now I'm not exactly saying it's because I have a future crush on the young MIB but I kinda am. What?! He's fifteen! Or "future-twenty", as I like to call him.

The Many Faces of Elena Kagan

2010-05-14T23:54:00.007-04:00

Alright, so hopefully there's a new lady judge about to be appointed to the Supreme Court. And while it's obviously not a beauty pageant, I must say that Elena Kagan certainly has a few unflattering face twins. Lets start with her twinship with...

Unlovable goofball, Kevin James. I can't tell you how much this man's face irritates me. The situation is certainly exacerbated by the fact he was married to a smart, hot lady on his terrible sitcom, King of Queens.

And for her second twin... introducing... the mum from Life Goes On!!!!

The Parent Trap

2010-05-11T10:32:00.006-04:00

Question: Have you ever seen Lindsay Lohan and Clay Aiken in the same room together?

Answer: No!

Explanation: Because they are the same person! No wonder Lindsay's so troubled. Not only does she have to pretend to be a faux-lesbo, she also has to masquerade as a gay man pretending to be straight! This Victor/Victoria charade would send even the sanest person into a mountain of cocaine. Who else smells The Parent Trap 2?

Hall & Smokes

2010-05-03T23:36:00.006-04:00

So, you're probably thinking: What, is this Hall & Oates week on Face Detective or something?! Well, it is. And John Oates looks a helluva lot like Smokey Robinson. He also looks like a smug, child molestor - but that's a different blog.

Pssst, a great Smokey Robinson and the Miracles song is Mickey's Monkey.

Maul & Oates

2010-04-30T15:25:00.003-04:00

This Face Find comes from a first time commenter, long time reader... who am I kidding? No one reads this intentionally! Anyway, Daryl Hall kinda looks like Vincent from Beauty and the Beast (only one of the best shows EVER!). I can't remember if Linda Hamilton always lived in the sewers with the rest of the deformed folk or if she sometimes fought crime upstairs and only took refuge downstairs when she was in danger of rape? At any rate, the show lasted for three seasons. THREE SEASONS?!!! Come on! How much will-they/won't-they beastial tension can one show have?! Yeah, yeah, I know, Sam & Diane, blah, blah, blah.

Interesting tidbit: Ten years after the show aired, Linda Hamilton married an actual, real-life beast. You may know him as the director of Avatar, James Cameron... zing!

Ooh Mongolian Baby Twin, I Love Your Waaaaay

2010-04-26T14:58:00.008-04:00

There's a new documentary called Babies that's opening on Mother's Day. It follows the first year in the lives of four babies across the globe. A baby from Namibia, Japan, USA and last but not least, Mongolia. And as if I needed any more evidence that my parent's snatched me from a Mongolian orphanage (or from Joseph Gordon Levitt's mother), may I present to you, my other baby twin, Bayarjargal (who is, of course, a boy).

Shaun White and the Political Dwarf

2010-04-15T16:33:00.012-04:00

Everything about Shaun White irritates me. From his fiery lion's mane, to his twinship with Carrot Top, to his American Flag jeans, to the spelling of his first name. But I especially despise his face. And as a Face Detective, I am very sensitive to offensive facial features. Basically, Shaun White's goofy mug is the equivalent to nails scratching across a blackboard. Anyhow, the Olympic snowboarder is twins with a young Tony Blair. Sorry Tony Blair. Actually no, not sorry Tony Blair - you look fucking ridiculous in that hat.

Josh v. Josh

2010-04-08T19:32:00.009-04:00

I've had a major "future crush" on Josh Hutcherson (the kid from Bridge to Terabithia) for quite a while. I knew someday he'd be super hot and super legal. And that day has come! Huzzah! Well, it's almost here - October 12 and counting. He is twinsies with Josh Hopkins (name twin alert!!) who, depending on the role, is either totally sexy or totally repulsive. His poor, simpleton, every-man in SwingTown? Repulsive. His cocky, emotionally-unavailible, playboy in Cougar Town? Sexxxxxy. But maybe that says more about me than it does about him...

At any rate, Josh Jr. is headed for big things. His next movie, The Kids are Alright, with fellow hot young thing, Mia Wasikowska (Alice in Wonderland) and always hot middle-aged thing, Mark Ruffalo, looks awesome. Check out the trailer here. And check out my countdown clock to Josh's 18th birthday here.

Lost and Found

2010-04-07T17:52:00.011-04:00

In the words of Carole King, "now and forever" Lost will be my favourite show - stamped it, no erasies. I am currently stockpiling happy thoughts to combat the ineveitable depression when it's all over. Aside from the amazing story lines and foxy actors (the scene with Kate and Sawyer in the Polar Bear cage makes From Here to Eternity look positively Amish), I love Lostbecause the show has given a helping hand to manys a (enjoy the pun) lost actor. But definitely my fave so far has been Chip from Kate & Allie. When I saw his pudgy little face running out of the jungle, my heart melted. Three cheers for gainful employment!

Other notable cameos (and before you get your Dharma panties in a twist, I know many of these actors have worked since their more popular shows):

1) William Sanderson - From "Hi I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl" fame.

2) Jeff Fahey - Not just another pretty Lawnmower Man.

3) Sheila Kelley - the hearing man's Marlee Matlin and Lost's version of Tina Fey.

4) Fisher Stevens - I bet Fisher thought the world had forgotten him (no doubt Michelle Pfeiffer wishes she could forget her first marriage to him).

5) Karen Allen - no, she hasn't shown up yet, but if Damon Lindelof has any heart, he'll cast the former Indiana Jones hottie in the series finale.

6) But the greatest one of all, is of course, Matthew "Is there life after Party of Five?" Fox.

Callin' Colin Firth

2010-04-04T23:34:00.005-04:00

I would be lying if I said Rick Hilton was ever very far from my mind. Ditto for Firth. And it just so happens Paris' dad and Mr. Darcy are twinsies.

Cruisin' for a California Dreams Bruisin'

2010-04-01T11:44:00.006-04:00

I didn't watch California Dreams as much as Saved By the Bell, but I definitely preferred CD because the actors were way prettier (Kelly Kapowski? No thanks. Kelly Packard? Yes please!). My crush was of course on Sly - the smooth-talking, weasly one whose diabolical money-making schemes made Zack Morris look like a guileless baby. Too bad for Michael Cade's career that he's twins with Tom Cruise.

The cast of California Dreams recently appeared on Jimmy Fallon and they all looked like a bunch of weathered, sad sacks (except for sweet Kelly, that is). It was depressing. It was very similar to this year's Oscars when they paraded the Brat Pack onstage and Judd Nelson looked like he had terminal something. Ditto for the 1995 Academy Awards when they rolled out a post-stroke Kirk Douglas. Made me feel sad and gross. Like midget wrestling.

Happy Holy Thursday everyone! Yes, even to you Barrabus, you filthy isurrectionaire, you.

Community 182

2010-03-29T10:47:00.006-04:00

Community is a really, really funny show. Not Modern Family funny, but funny nonetheless. And Joel McHale's assholian-secret-heart-of-gold charm makes me weak at the knees. Anyway, Danny Pudi (one of the actors in Community) and Travis Barker (former Blink 182-er and current leader of the Doucheoisie) look a lot alike. They both have unspeakably long necks and thin faces. Please let the record show that I'd rather make out with the one on the left. Scratch that, I'd rather make out with their elegant animal counterpart, the giraffe.

Float like a Butterfly, Sting like Hugo Weaving

2010-03-22T22:12:00.002-04:00

Hugo Weaving (V for Vendetta) and Sting look-a-like. Sigh, they'd look even more alike if Sting hadn't gotten all fancy and had a nose job which you can see here. BTW, if you wanna see Zach Galifianakis ask Natalie Portman about how she prepped for her role in V for Vendetta, watch this ep of Between Two Ferns.

The Fabulous Baker Bosoms

2010-03-21T15:37:00.005-04:00

Amanda Seyfried is a certifiable smoke show and in her spread for this month's Esquire, her bosom-popping bodice practically set my computer aflame. So it's no surprise that she resembles fellow hottie, Michelle Pfeiffer.

When Irish Eyes are Slanty

2010-03-17T11:32:00.006-04:00

So the only kind of Irish celebrity twin I can think of at the moment is my Dad and Liam Neeson. But they're not face twins, just accent twins. And seeing as this isn't "Accent Detective" (although if it was... I'd discuss how Portia de Rossi has entirely abandoned her Australian accent and now speaks "American" in real life. This compounded with the fact that Portia isn't even her real name, kinda makes you wonder what else she's faking... I bet she's not even a real blond!). Anyway, my second best St. Paddy's Day offering is this - me as an Irish baby and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Ta-daaaahhh! I mean, ta-dah-la-dee-dee-doo... where's me pot of gold? Happy St. Patrick's Day!

p.s. Despite the striking similarity, I am, in fact, female.

Smells like Mother Issues

2010-03-15T17:33:00.006-04:00

On the left is Kurt Cobain's mother and on the right is his wife Courtney Love. Their close resemblance is off-putting.

Vampire Weekend at the Kennedy Compound

2010-03-10T15:45:00.006-05:00

My friend thinks the lead singer of Vampire Weekend looks like a young Patrick Dempsey.

And although it's definitely better to resemble an 80s nerd turned medical hottie than a barely acquitted rapist, I still think he looks a little more like William Kennedy Smith. What do you think?

Webster's Schtick-tionary

2010-03-10T15:11:00.006-05:00

If you don't already watch Modern Family, you should start. It is hilarious ("Casablanca!"). One of the best characters on the show is Ed Bundy's step-son, Manny. And one of his best characteristics is that he's twins with Webster. And not just because they both buy their shirts from "Short & Squat", or get their hair cut at "Short & Jheri-Curly" or buy their ears from "Trophy Handles R Us".

Jason v. Jason

2010-03-09T18:28:00.006-05:00

Someone pointed out that Jason Reitman (director of Juno and Up in the Air) looks like a middle-aged lesbian, but I think he looks more like Jason Lee. Although I wouldn't say the two are exactly mutually exclusive. And BTW - thanks a lot Jason Reitman for screwing up my Oscar ballot and losing Best Adapted Screenplay to Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire. Maybe if you'd called the movie - Up in the Air: Based on the Novel "Up in the Air" by Walter Kirn it would've won.

And talk about the most boring Academy Awards ever!!! I had to take part in an impromptu post-Oscars dance party just to feel human again. And so I blame you, Sandra Bullock, for my 2 day hangover. And you, Gabourey Sidibe, for the giant burrito I ate today.

Sartorialist Twin: Jonathan Quayle Higgins III

2010-03-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what Higgins has been doing since Magnum, P.I. wrapped in 1988 (other than constantly muttering to himself: "Oh, my God, Magnum!" and guest starring on Murder She Wrote)? Well stop wondering! Because he's clearly been maintaining his dignified moustache and roaming the streets of NYC like his Sartorialist twin on the right.

Brooklyn Decker, I got your number!

2010-03-03T23:20:00.006-05:00

Okay, before the cat scratch noises come out, let me just say that I think Brooklyn Decker looks unbelievably hot on the cover of this year's SI: Swimsuit edition. I love her "who, me?" and "what? oh, this bikini top?" pose. But sistah don't look like that all the time. Mostly Brooklyn looks Playboy cheezy (and yes, that's a bad thing). She certainly holds no candle to true knockout beauty and last year's cover-girl, Bar Refaeli. Because that girl makes cartoon steam come out my ears. Instead, Brooklyn looks a whole lot like that chick on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (on the right). Who is funny, but fake hot, like that other chick on The Big Bang Theory. You heard me, FAKE HOT! Okay, now it's time for the cat noises...

We Didn't Start the Face Fire...

2010-03-02T14:57:00.010-05:00

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray

South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television

North Korea, South Korea, Lenny Briscoe

Law & Order's beloved Lenny Briscoe and NY Yankee's beloved Joe DiMaggio are cut from the same cloth. Too bad for Lenny, Marilyn's candle burned out long before he got the chance to impersonate DiMaggio and jump into bed with her. Oh well, I guess there's always the chance of a heavenly threesome... now that's what I call a "pinch hitter"!!!!!*

*excessive punctuation indicates that yes, I know it's a lame "Dad Joke".

Olympic Face Fever

2010-03-01T14:14:00.007-05:00

On Saturday night I watched the Men's Curling Finals and the only things more distracting than the Norwegian's pants were the startling face similarities between Thomas "Hubba Hubba" Ulsrud and former pretty boy Melrose 1.0 star, Patrick Muldoon.

Twin Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show!

2010-02-26T10:45:00.005-05:00

Hot August night and the leaves hanging down and the grass on the ground smelling sweet... Neil Diamond is the best. So only the best lookalike will do. That's why he's twins with bon vivant, Jan de Bont, director of Speed 2.

Invictus We Trust

2010-02-03T20:32:00.004-05:00

So, Matt Damon scored an oscar nom for his role opposite Morgan Freeman in Invictus but I'd like to give him a look-a-like award for being twinsies with Neal McDonough. And let me take this opportunity to air my beef with Morgan Freeman and the fact that everyone in Hollywood pretends like he's not dating his step-granddaughter! If Angelina's gonna get flack for frenching her brother, doesn't it stand to reason that Freeman should get some grief (or prison time) for humping his step-granddaughter?!

He Ain't Albert Ingalls, He's my Brother

2010-01-31T19:03:00.019-05:00

I'm a giant fan of Little House on the Prairie (remember the awesome episode when that crazy lady kidnaps Laura and stashes her in the root cellar?) but a little bit of the Little House experience was cheapened for me on Thursday when I attended the opening of Little House: The Musical. Melissa Gilbert (TV Laura) played "Ma" (if Ma starred in the movie Fargo). And if you've ever thought to yourself - hey, I wonder if Melissa Gilbert can sing? The answer is: NO!

Anyway, I left at intermission and so I don't know if Albert Ingalls shows up in the 2nd act, but I do know that he looks a lot like my brother in 1980. Although my brother has never accidentally set fire to a school for the blind (as far as I know), or pretended to be blind, ordeveloped an addiction to morphine. He is, however, sporting a chapeau befitting the 1880s.

Fun Fact: The second most fun thing about Thursday night was discovering that Melissa Gilbert's son (dad is Bruce Boxleitner of Scarecrow and Mrs. King fame) plays Willy Olsen in the musical. The most fun thing? Snickering in my seat as the actors simulated an especially bumpy prairie ride atop a makeshift wagon. Because... well, because it looked like they were having sex. There, I said it.

Oh, Brother Complex

2010-01-16T14:13:00.003-05:00

Clint Howard is Ron Howard's less famous, more freakish, younger brother. It always warms the cockles of my heart to see him in movies - especially movies that aren't directly related to Ron. Anyhow, he looks A LOT like Garth Brooks. Suprisingly, he looks nothing like Garth Brooks' alter ego, Chris Gaines. Remember that guy? Wow, that was weird. I think it was just an excuse for the country singer to get away with wearing a wig. And to look more like Cris Angel (more on this similarity later).

Dax-Attax

2010-01-13T05:04:00.002-05:00

I always took Dax Shepard for a douche bag (could have something to do his stupid name or his association with Jessica Simpson or this pic or his goofy mug or his silly hats or those shirtless photos of him parading around with Kate Hudson...). But I recently saw him on Conan and he was really funny and quite charming. But he's still got the goofy mug and that's why he's twins with king douche Zach Braff.

Pride and Extreme Prejudice

2010-01-12T00:45:00.000-05:00

Whoever thinks Muammar al-Gaddafi and Colin Firth have nothing in common must be blind (perhaps even blinded by the tyrannical ruler himself). The leader of Libya and the leading man share the same roguish hair-do and squinty eyes. And just like Firth, Gaddafi can speak for the entire length of a feature film (as proven by his hour and thirty six minute speech to the UN General Assembly).

Breed the World

2010-01-11T11:19:00.004-05:00

So, Kate Gosselin recently dropped $7000 on her fancy new hair extensions. But what's the point when you stuff them under a jaunty cap and walk around wearing no makeup? Well, if the point is to become Sir Bob Geldof's twin then mission accomplished. And not in the George Bush kind of way, because Kate actually accomplished her mission to look exactly like the Boomtown Rats frontman. Three cheers for Kate Gosselin, winner of the Avery.

Gleelicious

2009-12-14T22:39:00.004-05:00

Abby Elliott is comedian Chris Elliot's daughter. She's also one funny gal who does an amazing impression of Angelina on SNL. And way too pretty to be related to Chris Elliot. The woman on the right's name is Jayma Mays. She plays the germaphobic guidance counselor on Glee. These two ladies also play twins in real life because they are twins. In real life.

Miss Ethel Muggs, If You're Nasty!

2009-12-09T10:25:00.010-05:00

This post has less to do with look-a-likes and more to do with my outrage over the Archie clan giving the gang a new makeover. On the left is what Big Ethel originally looked like and on the right is how she appears now. Not a buck tooth in sight! WTF! Does everyone have to be good looking now? It's not enough that our tennis players and American murderers abroad are super hot? What has the world come to where Big Ethel is pretty?!

Jesus! It's like the new Ethel doesn't have siblings for parents or something. And check out her cool, alternative earrings! Jughead would be a fool to resist the advances of this stone cold fox (which ruins one of the most hilarious premises of the whole comic - Big Ethel as date rapist using a plate of mini-burgers in lieu of roofies).

Not-so-Smooth Criminal

2009-12-03T11:58:00.006-05:00

Criminal minds is the very definition of a guilty pleasure. The show is absolutely ridiculous and features a cast of colossal dumb-dumbs ("Oh, you forgot what a serial killer is, FBI Agent? Let me remind you..."). Anyhow, Dr. Spencer Reid (who is stone cold fox in real life - check out his Pitt-jaw here) really reminds me of Calista Flockhart dressed up for Halloween as a mad scientist.

The characters on Criminal Minds are laughable because they are so one dimensional. You have the guy in the suit, ("I wear a suit therefore I am serious and stern"), the wacky computer gal ("I'm unattractive and therefore relegated to the role of horny tech woman who hits on everyone but is harmless because who would make out with me? I'm ugly!"), the blond ("I'm pretty and put myself in dangerous situations so one of the men can save me"), the brunette ("I'm obviously a lesbian because I have brown hair!") and the super genius ("I'm smart and therefore unable to compute pop-culture references - who is this Michael Jackson anyway?"). Those were my brother's jokes.